This week, our cube-cows throw a full Agile transformation parade through the office (Scrum, Kanban, ceremonies, drums, flags), while the one cow actually working the bug pile just mutters, ‘Still broken.’

This week, our cube-cows run a 15-minute standup for 45 minutes straight: yesterday was meetings, today is meetings, and the only blocker on the board is the meeting itself.

Mindfulness says be present, yet cow-workers are mostly present in three overlapping calls at once.

Working hours are fixed. Cow-workers’ rumination runs flexible, global, and always online.

Urgent projects love proactive behavior. Bulls mostly love pretending it was a team effort once the cow-workers crawl back out.

Resilience coaches love boundaries. Cow-workers just love saying yes in a more professional font.

Heatmaps boost productivity. This one mostly boosts cow-workers’ heart rates.

Bulls make headlines. This one makes every cow-worker’s coffee taste a bit more desperate.